October 2024
Practice Not Perfection
I came from the "Go Big Or Go Home" generation. The elder millennial, who was asked whenever someone came up with a scheme or a party: "Are you in or are you out?"
So when it comes to love or loving, it's hard not to apply the same DO IT, or DON'T mentality.
The thing is, our brains can know how we want to behave, but every day has its own stress, troubles, or changes that make "perfection" impossible.
What do I mean about practicing love instead of aiming for perfection?
The main difference between practice and perfection is mindset.
A Perfection Mindset
A perfection mindset is the inner critic tape inside that auto-plays unless I press pause. It sounds a bit like this:
"If I don't communicate perfectly, my partner will hate me." "If I don't pray right, God won't hear me." "If I can't perform at 100% at work, I'll get fired." "If I mess up being a mom, my child will be messed up for his whole life."
"If I paint outside the lines, no one will buy my art, and everyone will hate me."
"If I can't make the timeline, my client will never want to do business with me again."
"If I mess up a new recipe, it's too advanced for me, and I probably shouldn't cook that again."
Wow. That's a really mean inner voice. It's full of can't, shouldn't, hate, and fear.
A perfection mindset is how I'm wired (or how I learned to survive).
It says I must do my best + more in order to be accepted, loved, employed, saved, heard etc.
But that script that plays in my mind can be put on pause (if not mute). And a new script that you say out loud can overwrite it.
A Practice Mindset
Let's look at some internal/external conversations I have when I shift from a perfection mindset to a practice mindset.
"I am starting today."
"I have a flexible mind."
"I can learn something new."
"It's ok to mess up and try again."
"It's ok to know something in my head, and struggle to get it right while doing it."
"I am gaining a new skill. That takes practice"
"No one is grading me on my failures."
"One small step forward is progress."
"I don't have to be right to be loved." "Is this a big deal, or does it just feel big in the moment?"
Practical Love is the New Goal
Storybook love (or silverscreen love) says boy meets girl, they have babies, work hard to make a home, and grow old together, holding hands all the while. Let's call this "perfection."
Practical love is the nitty-gritty love. The kind that grows with you, and adapts to life's changes. The kind that does dishes, or changes diapers, or holds your hand when you're told you have a rare disease. It may look very different from what society says your relationship role SHOULD be. (My husband was a stay-at-home dad and cooked supper every evening until his disease changed his role).
Practical love isn't about what you SHOULD do, or what your role SHOULD look like. Practical love takes practice. It's actions. It's adaptable. And it shines because it's real.
Love Looks Like This
Love starts with you.
Love starts with a practice mindset, changes your internal script, and then moves to actions.
I want you to know, you are worthy of being loved.
I want you to know you can start a new way to love.
And I want you to know, loving yourself, is where it begins.
Questions to Ask Yourself
What can I do to change from perfection to practice?
What does my internal script sound like? Do I need to listen to it, or press pause?
What is the WORST thing that can happen if I fail? How likely is that outcome? What backup plan could I put in place that will allow me to fail?
Who loves me without conditions? Can I do that?
What actions can I take to love myself? What actions can I take to love my partner or child?
How can I practice love today?
Remember, practicing love isn't about what you SHOULD do. It's what grows, adapts, and changes as you practice loving better.
I had a friend who said it best:
"Don't should on yourself." - Tammey Evans Brown
I am also practicing.
And I love it.
♥ Sue
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Living with hATTR
There is no current cure for Amyloidosis. – YET. But in the last 9 years, there are significant advancements in NEW medications that can slow the disease down, and change the story.
We believe that living with hATTR = living with hope.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
My name is Sue Skavlem.
I'm a visual messenger – not a doctor.*
My husband has Amyloidosis. And it took me a year of googling to understand what an "adult-onset multi-system genetic disease" was.
After learning that "Amyloids have the tensile strength of steel", I came up with the "Accumulating BBs Theory."
My hope is to promote awareness of the disease, update our friends & family on our journey, and create resources other families with hATTR can use.
*Information in this article is meant to inform, but is not medically reviewed, nor should it be used to self-diagnose. Please talk with a medical doctor about free genetic testing if you or a loved one may have hereditary Amyloidosis.
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